Conflict

I haven't had sex with a man since august. I've had fingers aplenty, and a few toys, but I want that penetration that you can only get from a man plowing himself so deeply inside of you that he crashes against your inner wall. I want that, so badly. The only thing stopping me is a promise. I love my husband, I love him dearly. I would never purposefully do anything to hurt him. But this....is a need that is nearly over powering me. I have more than a few people I could turn to. Many an opportunity to slake my lust, one in particular that has me on edge. But at this moment...I want very much a particular kind of sex. The kind that I know he isn't into, the kind that another is, but he and his girlfriend fallow the rules I set down. They wouldn't help me with this need. I need someone to Dominate me. To truly OWN me, abuse me in such a way that leaves me breathless and unable to walk. I want to be sore for days and have the bruises last for weeks. I want to be afraid, but secure. I want what the game has to offer. I want to be smacked around, beaten, punished for wanting the things I do. And I want that deep satisfying penetration while its happening. I want it violent and degrading. I want to be used and left there to lie in our combined fluids untill such a time as he deems fit to use me again. I even want a scar to remember it by. I want these things so badly that I hurt. My body aches for that kind of treatment and release. My hands are shaking as I type this now, my body already responding in ways that speak for themselves. If you were to look at me at this moment, you would be painfully aware of my need. Knowing that its wrong is only fueling the fire. I only wish that I can retain controll and not do anything regretfull. My needs are a burning thing, I simply wish not to be consumed.

XTC

I went to Dallas the weekend of Halloween. A Friend of mine moved there after I moved to San Antonio. We're both military brats, so moving around isnt a big deal, we were just happy to be so near to each other after a move. We had grown up in DC. I hadnt seen her since january and I was most excited. We had planned so many things. One goal though. To get Bonnie High! I had never taken drugs untill then. No illegal drugs anyway, just the usual pain killers and the few times I tried to kill myself. This trip though....this trip was amazing. I smoked , which wasnt at all what I expected. I did get the usual munchies...and I took a wonderful nap....the first nap I've been able to take in years without the aid of an anesthesiologist. Then...Then came the fun. I took some of that wonderful drug that dominates the party scene. A moderate amount of Euphoria, for it was my first time, and she was taking care of me. Next time I will more than happily take more. It was amazing!!! I pride myself on being a writer, I pride myself on my outlandish nature and fucked up ways. I bask in the fact that my imagination knows no bounds. Even if I cant comprehend the reasoning behind something...I can imagine it. I Imagine wonderous worlds, creatures, situations. But this....When I was "rollin' " I soared. The music sank into my bones, and every minute movement was like making love. Dancing was like making love to the very beat , breathing was like releasing my soul out into the club to mingle with everyone else's souls. I swear to you, had I not controlled myself I would have fallen inlove with the first person to really touch me. Because I had only taken a moderate amount I still had myself in my head. I wasnt as free as I could have been. My body did go on without me when it came to dancing, and my people watching habit intensified. The most beautiful people came walking by, though I know my perception was impared. I got to hold this woman who had taken much more than I, with a body mass half that of mine. And it was the best feeling in the world, in the universe. To hold and be held. She laid her head on my breasts and I played with her hair. It was amazing and I miss it to my core. Her girlfriend was also wonderful. The sparse convorsation we had was still wonderful, speaking in general was like a revalation, no matter how mundane the topic. Myheart swelled when she said she loved the woman in my arms. Their tender kisses later made my soul weep because I didnt have it. Walking was like nothing else in this world. I can only imagine that its like walking on the moon. The pain I have in my knees was compleately gone, replaced by a wonderfuly tingling feeling, like when your foot wakes back up. I always have that pain in my knee. My skin felt like electrical, so alive. Touching myself was amazing, running my nails over my skin and into my hair. Gentle is not one of my tastes. I am what is known , affectionately in some circles, as a Pain Slut. I love pain, it sends shivers and waves upon waves of pleasure through mybody. Having my friend pull my hair while I was in such a state....suffice it to say that rough sex, my kind of sex, with beatings and domination tied in, while on this drug...would have me exploding with such pleasure as I have never known. It would rock my world and throw me into a place I would have to forget to live with what sanity I have left. I can only yearn for my next taste. The next trip to Dallas and the promise of more of this world, that feeling. I want so much to write while I'm under its effect. To fuck with it in my system. To have a woman's mouth on me in so many ways. To have someone's hands trace over my tattoos, the minute hairs on my body. To have someone dominate me as these chemicals run through my veins. Which is why I must be watched, and dominated in a different manner. My husband wouldnt appreciate me fucking another man while he is away. Stupid situations in the middle east. Though I'm absolutely certain he would love to hear about me fucking another woman...or being fucked by one. I can only imagine now...as I sit here, listening to Dj Andy Szontagh, how blissfull and amazing it would be to be sitting in the club, music pounding into my body, in a beautiful woman's lap, kissing her with every passionate urge in my body, her hands running over me, into my hair, untill she pulls it so roughly that my head jerks back and I cry out my pleasure. I can only imagine what it would be like to beg her to fuck me, begging my friend to let her come over so she can have her way with me. For I know she wouldnt let me go to anyone else's house in a strange town, with this amazing drug in my system. She loves me, and I am so thankful for it. I love her too. Its a deep and binding thing to be friends when you're a military brat. Especially as long as she and I have been, through our formative teenage years even. She will be there untill the day I die and longer. And I for her. Its a truer love than most will know. In closing...All I wish to say..is that love comes in all shapes and forms, embrace them.

My secret life 1

So this is the first post. This is mostly for my own vanity, to make myself seem important. To pretend that I have readers. It's also to let my creative side out, to rant, to tell the world my secrets without anyone knowing its actually me. There will be times when you wont know if I'm writing, or if it actualy happened. This is my space to lie. To live a life other than my own, my dreams written down, or to tell you of my day. This is where reality melts away. Because I am a pretensious and egotistical attention whore, I more than welcome comments on anything I write. Please, I ask you to. In summation, I raise my pen in salute, to Bonnie, the name of my other self, and the adventures herein.

Bonnie X